Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize