the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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