She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
