Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
