Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
