If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
