sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize