he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
