Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
