I showed him my bush... on skype.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
