Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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