Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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