I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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