i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
