im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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