just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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