I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
