i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
