I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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