My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
