Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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