I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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