i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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