I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
