this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
