Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
