Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
