david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
