You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
