hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
