Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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