She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
