My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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