So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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