We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
