you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
