genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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