Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
