Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
