Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
