need another drink. this is the easiest way
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Randomize
