I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
