luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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