Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
