I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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