When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
