Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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