Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
