I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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