This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
