The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
