there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
