hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize