Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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