Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
